


braver

by whereshiphappens (xiiis16)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: (((fair warning it's kinda boring i think))), M/M, also i'm really not satisfied with this, but it's light stuff so, i feel like i can do better, there's some angst cause i can't really help myself, this is mainly fluff i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 18:56:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1994121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiiis16/pseuds/whereshiphappens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was afraid this could be one of those dreams, that how well he felt about last night was just a product of his imagination. He was afraid to even think about it, because whenever you’re dreaming and realize that everything you are seeing and experiencing is a product of your mind, is like a trigger is pulled and you feel yourself being ripped from that temporary, deceiving reality. Ashton doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to go back to the true and cruel reality where he has forbidden feelings for his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	braver

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally for another pairing. but i ended up turning it into lashton because well, i have a slight addiction problem what can i say.  
> it's not really one of the best things i've ever written, to be honest, it's kinda 'meh' but i feel like i owed you guys something. I'm very sorry for mistakes, there must be quite a bunch. I'm sorry.
> 
> i hope you kinda enjoyed it a little bit, though. 
> 
> i love you.

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The morning comes way too fast. One second he’s getting down from the blissful high that blinds his brain and leaves his body numb, almost too weak to move, his breathing fast, heart beating frantically against his ribcage, all of his nerves super sensitive after the mind blowing sensations caused just minutes ago, his eyelids closing as he slips almost subtly into a so craved unconsciousness; and in a blink of an eye, the light of the sun coming through the windows becomes a red that little bit too intense behind his eyelids, and he is awake, but eagerly trying to cling to the peaceful land of dreams he has been pushed out of.

However, replacing the faint disappearing memories of those so often strange dreams, the memories from the previous night come flooding in, invading his consciousness in a sea of sensations, words, emotions and thoughts, and Ashton is relaxed again, letting the dreams go to an uncertain part of his memory, cherishing the so welcomed memories of last night instead.

The sun is shining right in his eyes though and, in a small effort to get a bit more comfortable, he turns his head to the other side, eyes still closed but facing the night stand where he knows his mobile phone rests. He doesn’t remember the hotel room, the number on the door, where the key card could be as well as his bags and clothes for that matter; in fact he isn’t even sure if his mobile phone is really on that night stand and that thought is what makes Ashton open one eye, very shyly, very reluctant in facing all the light just like that. 

It’s only after a few tries that he manages to keep that eye open without retracting from the intense light. _Why is there so much light?,_ is one of the thoughts in Ashton’ confused mind. The answer lies right in from of him; the enormous windows decorating the wall, despite showing one magnificent view of the city, all have their curtains drawn back, reflecting all the whites and creams and browns of the decoration all over the place, like an explosion of light and cozy warmth.

He closes his eyes again, letting the peaceful sensation set in and travel through his body. A smile creeps slowly into his face without a particular reason, and the spontaneity of the feeling, the _pureness_ of it is too rare to be denied or even very reflected upon.

He takes a deep breath, and lazily props himself on his elbow, with the sheet covering him from his waist down sliding to his hips, and with eyes still half closed, he reaches for his phone. He woke up _hours_ before his alarm. His eyes are barely open, but his fingers hit the right keys working automatically as he gets more and more awake, and more and more used to the light.

Ashton feels the other boy’s presence and body heat before his soft breath hits his naked and light exposed back and as if sensing the action before the contact, his back muscles tense for a second waiting for the contact; when it happens, when his lips connect with the skin between his shoulder blades, his whole body relaxes against him and he sighs, happily.

He doesn’t stop there, though - like Ashton’ knew he wouldn’t; he starts leaving a trail of soft kisses all over his upper back, from shoulder to shoulder, and then on his spine, following it all the way up to his neck, sending shivers all over his body. And Ashton tries very hard to concentrate on the task in his hands, but Luke’s feather like kisses, despite its softness were hard to ignore and not cherish like the little pieces of gold they were in Ashton’ life.

“I can’t concentrate like that…” he murmurs, his voice breaking due to the lack of use. Luke giggles against the skin of his shoulders and rests his forehead there, closing his eyes, his eyelashes ghosting over his skin.

“Are you okay?” Luke asks his voice incredibly husky, and Ashton can sense the concern in his tone of voice automatically. Despise all things, despise the slight discomfort that he suddenly realizes he is feeling between his legs, or the soreness in his thighs and hips, a warm sensation creeps in, flooding his entire being completely with a fondness and pure tenderness for the other boy – the very first boy he has ever slept with.

Realization kicked in at that moment, and Ashton cannot control the smile that curves his lips as he remembers how careful and kind and nervous Luke had been, despise all the experience he had that Ashton didn’t – with boys, that is. And what he found himself realizing at that moment was that Luke was nervous, not because he didn’t know what he was doing, but because it was Ashton and it was, technically, Ashton’s first time. Luke took his virginity in a way and that thought really warmed Ashton’ heart, had him shivering against the pressure of Luke’s hand on the small of his back, fingers curving gently along his hip.

Ashton turns around, phone still in his hand, but task forgotten as he faced those gorgeous, big and apprehensive blue eyes. The smile on Ashton’ face leaves Luke less worried, though.

“I’m- I couldn’t be better, actually.” Ashton replies honestly, soft smile, empty hand ghosting over Luke’s cheek, but afraid to touch as if he was a mirage that would dissipate as soon as touched. 

Luke exhales at Ashton’ honest reply, letting out the breath he didn’t know was holding. “I was so afraid of hurting you,” he whispers, as he nuzzles into Ashton’ neck, barely audible. Ashton heard it, and couldn’t avoid the pleasant swelling of his chest, as if his heart was actually _literally_ filling itself with tenderness for this boy, who had, for so many days, filled his mind with thoughts and images and feelings he couldn’t understand and so many nights haunted his dreams with scenarios Ashton forced himself to overlook.

He was afraid this could be one of those dreams, that how well he felt about last night was just a product of his imagination. He was afraid to even think about it, because whenever you’re dreaming and realize that everything you are seeing and experiencing is a product of your mind, is like a trigger is pulled and you feel yourself being ripped from that temporary, deceiving reality. Ashton doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to go back to the true and cruel reality where he has forbidden feelings for his best friend. 

But the worst weren’t those feelings; the worst was knowing Luke _reciprocated them_ and not being able to act on them, being trapped inside himself without reaching out to the one person that could make it all better. He didn’t want to hide, to be a different person for the public. Ashton hated that. But there was nothing he could do to change that. Besides contracts and conditions, there was… a lot of other complicated, more personal stuff.

He sighed, as the heaviness started to set in his chest again. Ashton had tried so very hard to stay away from Luke, he had tried to hide his feelings, deny them, because he doesn’t _understand them._ No matter how the younger boy eagerly threw his right in Ashton’s face, Ashton never admitted what he felt for him. No matter how his tongue was burning to spill the words, his hands hitching to touch his face, his whole body craving him like he was a drug. He did his best to keep it all bottled up inside, for his sake. All his life he was taught this was wrong _._ Liking another boy was _wrong_.

“You’re overthinking again,” Luke’s voice fills the silent hotel room, bringing Ashton back from his asphyxiating thoughts. He looks down searching his eyes but Luke has them closed, his forehead lightly touching Ashton’s shoulder, his messy hair brushing Ashton’s skin, his hand running softy up and down Ashton’s arm, “stop that,” he says without opening his eyes. “Just live it for a bit without worrying, please,” his eyes open and lock with Ashton’s immediately. The hand with which he was caressing his arm slides to intertwine his fingers with Ashton’s, “We’ll figure out the rest later, yeah?”

Ashton remembers exactly why they ended up in such a tangled mess. He remembers perfectly when every single wall he tried so futilely hard to build up between him and the blond boy came tumbling down, and all of a sudden he was there in front of him, feeling naked, his emotions completely exposed and, _damn_ , it was like the massive cement block heaving his chest vanished as soon as Luke grabbed his shoulders, and in a desperate attempt to get to Ashton kissed his lips, hard, needy, like his own life depended on it, pouring so much emotion into it that left Ashton dizzy with the intensity of it all.

His arms were around him almost automatically, pulling him impossibly close and returning the kiss in the same intense and desperate way, making it impossible to deny or hide everything he was trying to from him. Luke had always tried so hard to show Ashton _it was okay,_ what he felt – what they felt for each other was _okay._

“I’m trying,” Ashton replies, his thumb tracing small circles in Luke’s hand. The younger boy looks at him again frowning slightly, a new worry in his eyes and a small trace of insecurity dancing around.

“Do you regret it…?” he whispers, sounding so vulnerable, suddenly – hurt, like he was afraid Ashton felt like it wasn’t worth it ; overcoming all his prejudice, all his convictions wasn’t worth it because Luke didn’t make it good enough and what he felt for Luke wasn’t that strong after all.

Ashton looks right into his eyes putting his phone down on the mattress, and his hand flies to Luke’s face, brushing the soft strands of hair out of his eyes in an affectionate gesture.

Since that first, desperate kiss, it all became a secret. The looks, the touches, the smiles, the words, the gestures, everything gained a new meaning and importance, and everything was different from then on and had to remain a secret. Not even the boys knew; not for now, at least. Luke was still working on making Ashton accept himself, was still working on making them stable – they couldn’t risk everyone finding out, not when things were still so vulnerable and shaky; not when Ashton was so unsure of himself still. 

Sometimes, Luke felt like he was holding on to Ashton too tight, like he was coming on too strong, making him want to hide again in the arms of some random girl. The blond tried to hide it in smiles or changing the subject or anything really, but Ashton knew how his own insecurities left Luke on edge. Scared. Uncomfortable, apprehensive and sometimes even hurt with jealousy.

Ashton could see where he was coming from, but he couldn’t help it. Whenever he was out in a party and his thoughts started to suffocate him and he felt _so filthy_ when he looked at Luke’s frame, when he found his eyes falling on the delicate curve of Luke’s hips and all he could think about was how much he wanted Luke to push them against him, make him feel _everything;_ whenever that happened, he found himself flirting with random girls, a futile attempt at make it better, somehow, prove to himself he’s still a _man_.

He regretted it every time, as soon as his eyes fall on Luke’s hurt ones. He got so quiet, not wanting to be near him, and instead of sharing a room with Ashton, he’d shy away from him, ask Michael or Calum to room with them instead.

And Ashton would go to bed alone, feeling like the world’s biggest and cruelest jerk.

Thinking about Luke’s question, the answer was almost automatic on the tip of his tongue. _Did he regret sleeping with Luke?_

“No, Luke, never,” he says sincerely, right into those big blue eyes. He takes a deep breath again more relaxed as he lets his head fall back into the pillow, his fingers playing with Ashton’s, his heart beating lighter on his chest. Ashton is mesmerized looking at him.

In those nights, when he was forced to sleep alone, Ashton couldn’t sleep much, too accustomed to Luke’s warmth, reassurance, and comfort to fall asleep properly, no matter how contradictory it was. That was Ashton’s constant battle with himself – his contradictory feelings, how much he needed Luke and wanted to run away from him at the same time. How much he loved that beautiful blue eyed boy and how much he despised himself for loving another boy like so.

Despite how explosive his encounters always were, they never did anything else besides sleeping. They never got any further than kisses and light touches, even though Luke had made very obvious that he wanted Ashton in every possible and existent way.

But Ashton always stopped them whenever the heat was getting too dangerously good, looking at Luke sweetly, kissing his forehead softly and putting his arms around him, holding him tight, before falling asleep.

A few nights ago, Luke had drank a little bit too much and, as Ashton was carrying him back to their hotel room, the blond boy had held him close and started kissing him, impossibly eager, moaning into the kiss and pulling at Ashton’s clothes, while the older boy tried to get his attention, calling his name, making him stop. It wasn’t even about his feelings, it wasn’t about his hate for being gay – that only came later, when his mind wasn’t fogged by thoughts of _LukeLukeLuke._

No, it was about much more. It was about feeling like Luke was rushing it, like he was trying to use it to prove something to Ashton and that was not the way Ashton wanted it. He wanted Luke so _so much_. But he didn’t want to feel like he was suffocating the next morning when he woke up, realizing what he’d – they’d done.

Luke had looked at him teary eyed, about to burst any time soon, and Ashton then realized how his actions must’ve seem like to Luke.

 _“Why don’t you want me? Is there something wrong with me?”_ he had said, his voice weak and the unmistakable hurt very present in it.

Ashton’s eyebrows rose in a pained expression at that and a sadness invaded him; _how can you ever think something like that?_ he found himself thinking. But, if he was in Luke’s place he would probably interpret his actions in the same way. Rejection. _I don’t want you._

“Luke, there is nothing wrong with you,” he tried to reassure him  thumbs caressing his cheeks as his hands held his face in place. This was really not about Luke, Ashton wished he’d understand that. This was Ashton and his demons’ fault.

 _“Then why won’t you sleep with me? Why do you always stop it?“_ he had sounded so hopeless, tears gathering in his eyes, “ _it’s cause I’m a boy, isn’t it? I wish- I wish I was a girl, I wish I could make you want me- “_

“ _Luke_ ,” he had said gently, his fingers covering Luke’s lips. _“Stop, Lucas. You have no idea how much I want you. I want you so much it literally drives me crazy, you drive me crazy. I just- I don’t want you to let your unfounded insecurities take over your better judgment and make you make rushed and thoughtless decisions about something as important as this.”_

And that had let Luke’s heart a bit more serene; at least for the night.

Luke smiles softly at Ashton’ words, staring at the ceiling and Ashton looks at him. The soft light of the sun is hitting his skin making it glow in a heavenly way, his blond strands are falling wildly around his face, their bright colour contrasting with the soft pink spread on his cheeks and on his lips is the constant ghost of the smile that he cannot seem to stop from appearing. His blue eyes are sparkling, more than usual and in a different way, that is, and the light of the sun make them almost transparent as if they were made of water, reflecting the light in the most beautiful way.

Ashton is suddenly overwhelmed with him, with how excruciatingly beautiful he is. Memories of last night, of him holding his hand so very tight as he breaths rapidly the same air as him because of how close they are and his face right above him, as he keeps on thrusting, looking right into his eyes, his eyebrows raised, screaming how much he is loving it as he holds on for dear life to not let himself go already and let it end so fast flood Ashton senses and he has to close his eyes for a moment, savoring them. 

“I dreamt about you,” Luke says, the dimpled smile on his face also present on his voice, and when Ashton opens his eyes, Luke is looking at him; he looks so much like the fifteen year old that he met a few years ago, he looks so innocent, kind and lovable and so young and vulnerable, but also with a contradictory shy confidence of the boy who was wearing those horrific light green rimmed sunglasses at the movies, when he first lay eyes on him. All of a sudden a rush of confusingly tangled feelings come flooding in, and Ashton can barely recognize the nostalgia before he feels the need to wrap his arms around his waist smoothly.

Luke chuckles lightly, the sound vibrating softly against his chest and Ashton remembers exactly why this is worth it all, why this is so _right_. He remembers exactly why he fell in love with the blond, blue eyed, shy boy, and it makes sense. How could it not? How could he not love Luke? How could it ever be wrong? Just because of what he has between his legs? It feels so absurd.

“Did you?” he inquires against the skin of his shoulder in a playful tone. Luke chuckles again and murmurs his answer with a small nod of his head. “Was it good?”

Luke inhales, a mocking thoughtful expression on his face followed by a shrug of his shoulders and an unimpressed “eh” and Ashton looks at him, eyebrows raised. The younger boy laughs with Ashton staring at him, fake indignation on his face as he draws back from the embrace, turning his back on him, grabbing his phone again.

Luke’s laugh continues to fill the room as he goes after Ashton, weakly grabbing Ashton’s arm and pulling him to face him again. Ashton refuses to move, but Luke sees the smile on his lips, and instead throws an arm around his waist, his chin on Ashton’ shoulder and the other hand gently caressing the skin of his tummy.

“Reality is better,” he whispers into Ashton’ ear, and despite the cheesiness of it, Ashton finds himself smiling at that.

When, in the previous night, he and Luke had gone out together, he wasn’t expecting on losing himself the way he did around him. He shouldn’t have touched the alcohol when he was alone in a club in London with Luke and the sexual tension between them was almost consuming whatever was left of his sanity. But he did. He still remembers every single thing, and his mind wasn’t completely fogged by the alcohol, but he knew that if he was in his right mind last night, he wouldn’t have done all the things he did.

He wouldn’t have taken advantage of the fact that the club was crazily crowded to grind against Luke the way he did, or the lack of illumination to kiss his neck and steal the occasional peck from his lips, whenever he thought no one was paying attention. He wouldn’t have thrown caution out of the window and whisper things like “ _Come here, blondie, I want to feel your body_ ” and _“You have no idea of what I would do to you right now”_ or simply “ _fuck, you’re so fucking hot_ ” in his ear. He wouldn’t have turned Luke around and grabbed his face using all his will power to not kiss him right there and instead bring him dangerously close to him, his hands on his body touching and caressing him, looking at him as if he was the most luscious thing in the entire world and whispering in his ear _“I could eat you up.”_

And maybe Luke wouldn’t have moaned directly into his ear and he wouldn’t have lost all his self-control right there and brought him back to the hotel, to their room much earlier than intended.

Maybe he wouldn’t have pinned him against the wall, kissing him vigorously, pulling at his clothes, making him do the most delicious sounds he had ever heard or being thrown to the bed by a lust blind Luke, whose blue eyes were almost black with desire as he approached the bed, looking completely ravished.

But then, Ashton wouldn’t have pulled him by his wrist to crash on top of him or almost rip his clothes out of his body as he heat became too much for clothes, or any other thing to be between their bodies. 

And Luke wouldn’t have said all those things in his ear; things like _“I’ve been waiting for so long, Ash_ ” almost sobbing, and “ _I need this, God, you have no idea how much I need you_ ” and Ashton wouldn’t have answered with “ _You know what to do, love_ ” making Luke stop to look in his eyes for a while and asking “ _Are you sure?”_ in the most breathless way Ashton had ever heard, as if the thought itself overwhelmed him.

Luke wouldn’t have taken control, touching Ashton the way he had, moaning his name and whispering _“Please don’t regret this_ ” into his skin, right before those touches descended on Ashton’s body and he was a gesture away of feeling him like he wanted to, controlling himself to prepare Ashton properly before he finally slid inside his body, sinking deep inside him with Ashton’s breathless gasps and sighs stirring him on. When the initial pain was replaced by the pleasure, Ashton couldn’t describe the new level of intensity of his feelings. They were making him arch under Luke’s touch in a way he didn’t know was possible. He wouldn’t have provoked him sensations Ashton didn’t even know existed as he hit his sweet spot, over and over again; it felt so heavenly good.

Luke was divine, and if Ashton hadn’t touch those drinks, then maybe he wouldn’t know.

“What was really _really_ incredibly cheesy,” Ashton giggles.

Luke kisses his shoulder and Ashton can feel the smile dancing in his lips.

“I know,” he replies sounding quite proud about it, actually. He touches his shoulder lightly to make him turn in his direction. Then, he leans in slowly and Ashton closes his eyes as their lips touch so lightly it is barely a kiss, but he can almost hear his heartbeat and feel the heat radiating from Luke’s body, and his breath tingling on his skin sending a shiver down his body.

He opens his eyes and Luke is looking at him, the soft smile ghosting his lips and he says in a sincere voice “but it’s true.”

And Ashton can’t avoid the smile it brings to his lips and the heat in his cheeks, making him feel like a teenage girl in love. He kisses him again, but this time he lingers there, his hand creeping up to caress Luke’s cheek softly.

When they break the kiss, Luke sighs happily and leans back against the pillow, looking at the ceiling with a dreamy gaze, arms raised up against the pillow too, the smile not fading from his gorgeous face.

When he moves again, it’s to let his hand wander down towards Ashton’s thigh , and before Ashton even has the chance to open his eyes again, Luke is moving down on the bed, laying on his stomach as he pushes the sheet away from Ashton’s naked body, the sun glowing beautifully on his tanned skin. Ashton is staring attentively at him, not shying away from Luke’s gaze.

The younger boy gently pushes Ashton’s knee so he bends his legs, spreading them for Luke as well that settles in between, fingers ghosting over his thighs gently. “I think I’ve chosen one of my favourite parts of your body,” he mumbles, eyes following the movement of his fingers over the goose bumps on Ashton’s skin, incited by his hot breath so near Ashton’s cock. “You’re so sensitive here,” he says.

Ashton is biting his lip staring at Luke, as the younger boy plants a soft little kiss on Ashton’s skin, right above his knee, eyes locking with Ashton’s as his hands grope him, thumb caressing the inside of his thigh as he goes up, leaving butterfly kisses all over him.

“ _Luke,”_ Ashton sighs.

“I love how your body responds to me,” the other boy says.

It’s so gentle and soft, bathed by the golden light of the sun through the big windows, it’s so perfect – it’s heavenly.

Luke is sucking a mark on the inside of Ashton’s skin, so dangerously close to where Ashton wants him the most, the curly haired boy closes his eyes, sighing as his hips move on their own accord, trying to bring Luke’s attention towards Ashton’s hardening cock. “Babe, I’m still so- I can still feel you from last night,” Ashton says, as Luke gets dangerously low, Ashton squirming under him. His words incite a wild fire, licking at Luke’s insides and he closes his eyes mumbling a quiet “ _fuck”_ as he takes several deep breaths.

He wants to control himself – he knows Ashton is sore from taking him last night.

The fire reaches his heart and Luke can’t quite control the “I love you,” that leaves his mouth, as he rests his head against Ashton’s thigh, calming himself he closes his eyes for a moment, like saying the simple phrase overwhelms him – it certainly overwhelms Ashton, whose heart leaps in his chest, beating fast against his ribcage, “like, I proper love you, so _so_ much. I just hope one day you’ll be able to say it ba-”

“I love you, too,” Ashton cuts him. It’s less than second, Ashton’s sure, the time it takes Luke to slide up his body to meet his lips in a string of multiple needy pecks. The meaning of their words seem to finally set and Ashton finds himself giggling nervously, heart beating so damn fast because, _yes,_ he loves Luke, he loves him so much and Luke loves him back and his head is still not an idea organized and healthy place but for right now one thing’s for certain: he’s never been more sure of the legitimacy of his feelings and if he’s going to start somewhere organizing his head, if he’s gonna hold on to anything, it’s that ‘ _I love you’_.

“Are you overthinking again, Ashton?” Luke asks in a careful tone resting his head on Ashton’s tummy, looking up at him. Ashton smiles, “No,” he says, “I’m just thinking about what’s going to come now… for us,” he says.

_Us._

Sounds so nice to Luke.

“Are you scared?” he whispers softly.

Ashton can’t really lie, “Yes,” he says. His fingers come down to play with Luke’s blond locks, and he younger boy closes his eyes enjoying the weight of Ashton’s big hands.

“But I’m also ready-“ Ashton stops himself, thinking of the best way to word his thoughts properly. When he looks down, Luke is already looking at him, big expectant eyes curiously waiting the rest of his answer.

“I wanna face this,” he says and Luke knows he means his sexuality and all the wrong conceptions he has about that’s _right_ and _wrong._ Luke smiles softly, admiring the determination on Ashton’s face, he knows he’s nervous – it’s not easy getting rid of something that was implemented in you from a young age, Luke knows. He admires him for it.

Ashton licks his lips, looking like he found the right words to put what he wants to say. It’s a simple thing, really, but it’s exactly what he needs to do this. He knows it.

So, taking a shaky breath, he looks at Luke’s beautiful blue eyes and says “I want to be braver. _Like you_.”

 


End file.
